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Features of the behavior of men with Asperger syndrome (a guide for women)


You probably know someone with Asperger Syndrome. Perhaps you want to communicate with him better and look for ways to help this person get out of their own enclosed space to communicate with other people. This can be difficult, since Asperger Syndrome and other forms of autism in people can be characterized by different levels of social communication and interaction skills. When you try to force your friend to leave the closed world, you may seem to him so annoying that he will completely detach from you. To prevent this from happening, you need to know the basics of communicating with people with Asperger Syndrome.

Asperger Syndrome

Quite often there are cases when men with Asperger's syndrome do not have such a diagnosis, as they have never consulted doctors. They are simply perceived as eccentric and strange. If you have such a fate as being in a relationship with a man who has autism spectrum disorder, then you can’t help but notice some strange character traits. I would even say it is the traits, not the flaws, although it still depends on which side to look at.

In this article I will try to talk about some of the symptoms that may appear in a man with Asperger syndrome. A person with Asperger himself often cannot influence these symptoms. This article was not written for the sake of accusing or mocking men with Aspreg syndrome, I would even say that they have more advantages than disadvantages. However, we will focus on some features associated with Asperger syndrome that can adversely affect romantic relationships.

In men with Asperger syndrome, the following behavioral features can be distinguished, expressed in them to various degrees:

  1. An excessive passion for some interest (action, collecting, etc.) is a common occurrence in men with Asperger's syndrome, and possibly what they have been doing for years. They are literally in love with this and often have an exhaustive collection of things related to interest, as well as incredible knowledge in their subject area.
  2. Inability to move up the career ladder - such men remain in low-skilled jobs for years or move from one job to another. This is the result of their problems with social skills and communication.
  3. A man with Asperger Syndrome may have a pet (often a dog), to which he has a very strong attachment. A pet is a friend who does not make demands on a person and accepts him as he is.
  4. Men with Asperger Syndrome look selfish or indifferent. They can speak without thinking how their words will affect others. Moreover, they cannot model the influence of their behavior on social reactions.
  5. Men with Asperger Syndrome have a tendency blame other people instead of yourself. In an attempt to maintain their image and defend their erratic self-esteem, they blame others for those things for which they should be responsible.
  6. Short temper is a common character trait for men with Asperger Syndrome. They “explode” about relatively insignificant things (for example: burnt dishes, missing books, etc.). Disruption of plans is another reason for the manifestation of their temper. At the same time, the man himself can understand that he is behaving badly, but feel incapable of influencing this.
  7. In a romantic relationship, a man with Asperger Syndrome often resists physical contact and an open demonstration of affection or allusions to it.
  8. Job interviews are often a problem for men with Asperger Syndrome, because of poor social skills, they cannot answer correctly or misunderstand the non-verbal signals of the interviewer.
  9. Men with Asperger Syndrome have been learning to be acceptable in society for decades.
  10. Men with Asperger Syndrome often have a reputation for communication difficulties. People around them think that they have a bad character or that they prefer their social circle.
  11. Many men with Asperger Syndrome want to have friends, but they are considered single. Usually they have a much reduced ability for social interaction compared to "ordinary" men.
  12. Many men with Asperger Syndrome have learned to lie in order to cope with life's difficulties. For example, instead of recognizing that they are overwhelmed by the noise, that they are tired of being among people, or that they want to pursue their special interest, they can lie and say that they feel bad or have an appointment.
  13. Many men with Asperger Syndrome marry, but relationships only last if both partners are willing to work on problem areas.
  14. Many men with Asperger Syndrome have the “computer genius” stereotype.
  15. Many men with Asperger Syndrome fail to make small talk. They focus on the topic of interest to them and talk about it endlessly, but they cannot fully understand the exchange of remarks in the general conversation.
  16. Many men with Asperger Syndrome find work and are usually reliable employees. However, even with the same qualifications as “regular” men, they cannot find work just as easily due to a lack of social skills.
  17. Sensory features mean that men with Asperger Syndrome don't like things like stitches on clothes or tags on shirts. Hearing features are possible: such a man may not like loud noise or certain music. In addition, the crowd can be confusing, and men with Asperger Syndrome can avoid all of the above.
  18. Sexual problems may occur if a man with Asperger's Syndrome has not received adequate sexual education at an earlier age. In some cases, he finds out about sex by looking at pornography on the Internet. If he tries to repeat similar scenes with his partner, this can lead to severe confusion.
  19. Social activity may be limited. The wife of a man with Asperger Syndrome usually forms his social circle, while he himself remains at home.
  20. Some men with Asperger syndrome come to a secluded lifestyle, they begin to call them "hermits", "recluses." It seems to them that it’s easier to live, and so they feel calmer than when they daily face the complexities of interpersonal relationships.
  21. Some men with Asperger Syndrome prefer a confirmed diagnosis, while others would prefer to live the same lifestyle as before. However, some deny the possibility of having Asperger Syndrome and are offended when someone touches on this issue.
  22. Some men with Asperger's Syndrome over time begin to constantly take a defensive position, it is difficult for them to resist or discuss something with them. Often this is the result of bullying and isolation from peers at a younger age.
  23. Teamwork can create problems. A man with Asperger Syndrome works better if he has his own office without noise and distracting social interaction.
  24. Caring for a girl, a man with Asperger syndrome gives the impression of a quiet and restrained. In marriage, these qualities can be a cause for disagreement, because his wife will be disappointed with his lack of sociability.

As already mentioned above, the above features are characteristic features of the behavior of men with Asperger, which in some aspects can be considered features, and in some ways also disadvantages. However, one must understand that being the wife of a man with Asperger syndrome is a serious test for a woman, and not every woman is able to pass this test with honor.

In addition to the foregoing, we can also note a set of characteristic signs of behavior that can occur in men with Asperger syndrome:

  • Often found "in their own world."
  • Attention is narrowly focused on his interests.
  • I pay too much attention to my plans.
  • They can be very critical of themselves and others.
  • They are very unhappy when people around ask for their support or some sympathy.
  • Do some business (sometimes divorced from reality) for hours without a break.
  • They may bother friends with requests to confirm that they are "normal".
  • Often can be physically and emotionally distant.
  • They can sit for hours in the library, doing their own hobbies. Well, hanging out somewhere on the Internet or at your favorite game on the computer is sacred for them.
  • Collect items.
  • They want friendship and social contacts, but hardly establish and support them.
  • Difficulties in understanding the feelings of others.
  • They do not always immediately recognize people in person (even some family members).
  • They consider emotions confusing and uncomfortable.
  • Great difficulties with small talk and empty chatter.
  • They have a strong desire to communicate something, because of which they may seem dull or offend.
  • Intense passion for one or two subjects.
  • At times, lack of empathy.
  • Lack of interest in other people.
  • Preferences can be very harsh.
  • Limited interests.
  • They are clumsy, have poor coordination of movements.
  • They feel oppressed by the need of their partner in communication.
  • They can have a "stone", expressionless face most of the time.
  • Having difficulty saying "I love you" and demonstrating physical affection.
  • They have a great need to leave and be alone.
  • Bizarre people.
  • Sometimes they experience idiosyncratic attachment to inanimate objects.
  • Difficulties with the implementation of the curriculum despite a high level of intelligence.
  • Perhaps they are not particularly trying to maintain friendship.
  • “Hang up” in social situations.
  • Problems in non-verbal communication (for example, difficulties with the perception of body language, facial expressions and tone of voice).
  • They often feel that their partners are ungrateful and irritable when they complain (for example, "you are indifferent to me" or "you never listen to me").
  • Often take words at their own expense.
  • They like to repeat the routine work, appreciate the rituals.
  • Rigid social behavior due to the inability to automatically adapt to changes in social situations.
  • Sensitivity to the consistency of products.
  • Multitasking, can not simultaneously solve several issues.
  • The originality of language and speech or the delay in the development of speech at an early age.
  • Strong sensitivity to sound, touch, taste, gaze and smell.
  • Concern over unusual issues.

    The information presented above is by no means intended to force you to abandon your relationship with a man with Asperger Syndrome. As stated above, all of these traits are components of the disorder. Men with Asperger Syndrome often struggle to show themselves better in relationships. But unfortunately, too often their “neurotypical” (that is, those without Asperger syndrome) wives look at these features as “shortcomings that can be corrected by doing a little more” and ultimately feel underestimated, unloved and offended. Therefore, if you truly value your relationship with such a man, you should be extremely patient and tactful in some matters.

    And in conclusion, you can still bring a few behavior patterns of men with Asperger syndromethat are more related to their professional activities:

    • Having difficulty filling out questionnaires, a form, writing e-mails. She reads it many times, trying to polish every word. The result is a verbose ornate text. At the same time, it gradually breaks out from the need to write a letter, because it cannot do it quickly, cannot afford to be distracted from this activity.
    • Literacy issues. Makes a huge amount of mistakes.
    • Very consistent in food. Almost every day prefers to eat the same thing for years.
    • In a conversation, it is difficult for him to switch from one topic to another, even if he sees that the interlocutor is no longer interested.
    • Likes to tease. If he sees that the interlocutor is unpleasant and not funny, he cannot stop until the conflict is brewing, and then he begins to take offense himself.
    • Can’t compromise.
    • Does not feel the interlocutor. Does not know how to touch. Clumsy.

    A man with Asperger Syndrome is certainly not a gift, but not a sentence. If you want to establish relations with such a man, then you need to work not alone, but together! Your husband should also know why he is not like everyone else and work on himself, otherwise sooner or later you will exhaust all your strength and this is fraught with different psychological diagnoses.

    In order to build normal relations with such people, you need to be able to declare your desires and goals. Since people with Asperger Syndrome do not understand the hints, you can tell your husband directly: "I would be pleased if you gave me flowers at least once a month", "To maintain emotional contact, we need to spend more time in joint activities" . Or something like that. It’s only better to clarify that you specifically you want, otherwise you’ll have to walk in the park strictly 40 minutes a day in the snow and rain. In general, to communicate with Aspergers, as in general and with other autistic people, it is necessary to express your thoughts clearly and concretely whenever possible. They don’t understand the joke and hints. Or immediately say that you will offer a joint lesson yourself and do not forget to inform him in advance where and when so that this does not violate his internal routine. For the sake of persuasion, say that all people do this - this argument usually helps. Just remember that the fact that all people "already know" Aspergers do not know and they need to be taught, informed. Tell your husband what you would like, what courtship you want to receive. This will be quite normal in Asperger's eyes. Just remember that with the expression of feelings he has huge problems and he will not drop a tear on your shoulder under the moon.

    People with Asperger's Syndrome feel fine, but they don’t know how to express it, they would be happy to do it, but they don’t know how. One gets the impression that their brain simply does not have this functionality. In general, this is so, official medicine also classifies Asperger syndrome as a functional behavioral disorder.