The term came from the popular everyday psychology, where it is most often used to this day. For the first time, people learned about the friend zone in 1994 thanks to the series Friends, in which one of the characters was unrequitedly in love with a girl. The alternative name of unrequited love was liked by a wide audience, it began to be actively used in the spoken language, the media, and later in popular psychology.
Today the problem of the friend zone is being considered from three sides:
- Is it possible to get out of it.
- Does friendzone exist as a form of friendship between a man and a woman.
- Are all those who are in the friend zone used for personal gain.
Thus, a friend zone is a relationship between a man and a woman in which one participant experiences friendships and the other is in love with him. This is an unequal exchange of emotions, energy, one-way relationships in which one participant inevitably suffers.
Family psychologist, personal growth coach for women Dmitry Soroka notes that the difference between male and female friend zones is one:
- 9 out of 10 women accept the situation, do not focus on it and do not try to “break” the man.
- Men are less likely to put up with a friendzone. Due to the overestimated self-esteem and consumer attitudes that are characteristic of most men, they perceive the situation as offensive, want to assert themselves and prove to the girl their worth. Sometimes they leave the friend zone just in order to take revenge, use and abandon the chosen one.
Men are more likely than girls to fall into the friendship zone. Moreover, they are ready for anything for the sake of the girl, fulfill any request, always support. A man does this with the expectation that someday he will leave the friend zone, enter into a love relationship with the object of sympathy. And someone succeeds.
How to get out of a friend zone to a man
A friendship zone for a man is a world of personal nightmares. The girl directly says that she does not perceive it as a sexual object, openly talks about other men, which emphasizes their superiority. Involuntarily, a "friend" compares himself with competitors, inevitably convinced of his own worthlessness.
What should a man do to look at him in a different light:
- Highlight your strengths. Find out what attracts a girl in men, and demonstrate it if you really are different. No need to lie, adapt to other people's preferences, try to please. You need to soberly assess what you already know and what you can learn. For example, a girl likes athletic men. If you do not have contraindications, health problems - do sports. This is useful, good shape and health will remain with you, even if the girl does not reciprocate. Or she is fascinated by playing the guitar - learn to play, if you are interested. In general, do not break yourself, do not force, but if her and your interests, opportunities coincide in something, then take advantage of this.
- Emphasize your viability, significance. Comfortable people rarely cling, but if you have your own opinion, you can correctly object, debate in a civilized way, then they will perceive you differently. Few girls like to meet with "rags", most want to feel support, an independent and strong person nearby.
- Work on your looks. Love does not exist without physical attraction. Perhaps you should change the style, wardrobe, hairstyle or adjust the weight. But at the same time remember that it is not always possible and necessary to change the appearance for the sake of someone. Firstly, the growth, color and section of the eyes, the shape of the nose and much more does not depend on our desires (we do not consider cosmetic surgery, as this is not a solution to the problem). Secondly, self-acceptance is more important than accepting us as another person. People have different tastes and preferences, but each feature has its own lover. It is important to understand, remember this and be able to accept physical incompatibility, go in search of your own person.
- Confess your feelings openly, directly ask about the possibility of a relationship. Afraid of losing friendship? You will not lose her, because she is not there. In your case, there is an unhealthy, painful unrequited love that requires prompt treatment.
How to get out of a friend zone for a girl
Among girls, friends of those who suffer from low self-esteem are distinguished by the predominance of male traits, the ability to conduct and maintain a conversation with a man. The last skill in itself is not bad, it is useful in love relationships. But if at the same time the woman does not differ in tenderness, sexuality, she perceives herself and positions herself as “her boyfriend on the board”, then the man will not see anything else in her.
To leave the zone of friendship, a girl needs to adjust her self-esteem and self-confidence, learn how to flirt, remove stiffness. It is necessary in general to work on self-acceptance and self-perception, to cultivate femininity in oneself.
Recommendations for the girl:
- Trust and understanding are not always combined with the chemical attraction of people to each other. Find out what type of girls a “friend” likes, but make sure that this does not contradict your sense of self. Read more about this in the articles “What female images are attractive to men in terms of psychology”, “How to attract the attention of a guy”.
- Be yourself, do not try to please the young man, stop being comfortable. You should be comfortable with each other, but also through compromises, mutual concessions. Stop running to the meeting on demand or at any time, day or night, answer calls, put off all things, hobbies and hobbies for later.
- Confess your feelings. Ask directly if a close relationship is possible. If not, then why. Sometimes it’s the fault of the girl’s tarnished reputation or male solidarity. Have you met a friend of this young man? Could he tell you something repulsive about you? Talk, sort it out.
A girl friend is less likely than a man to claim something more. She will listen with pleasure, support the conversation, feed, help to see some situation from a female point of view (for example, when a friend and his lover quarrel). It is convenient and good for a man, but the girl herself suffers, spends time and energy, suppresses her emotions and desires.
It is important to understand that it is not always possible to leave the zone of friendship. The base of love is a unity of interests, worldview, plans for life and physical attraction. Chemical attraction arises in the first minutes of acquaintance, in seconds we understand whether close relationships with this person are possible or not. And only then does the conscious part turn on, which evaluates the mental similarity. If sexual attraction arose on the one hand, then there are two options: redirect it and maintain friendship, or leave the relationship.
Sometimes friends themselves do not realize that there is love between them. Then the method of Arthur Aron will help. Invite a friend or girlfriend to play a funny game, and then everything will easily and naturally fall into place. Perhaps this method will help you get out of the friendship zone.
If there was an incident of rapprochement (a kiss that is different from a friend, an intimate relationship), after which you were again sent to the friend zone, then it is better to end the relationship. Something between friendship and love causes even more torment than a dry friend zone.
Inaccessibility is of greater interest. If a man or girl offers friendships with advanced features (sex, kisses), do not agree. It is necessary to clearly state: if friendship, then without sexual connotation, if intimacy, then only in love relationships.
Friendzone as a sexist myth
Feminists have their own vision of the situation: they believe that there is no friend zone - this is a sexist myth that humiliates women. Allegedly, men accuse women of self-interest, the desire to receive attention, moral and material benefits, but not to give anything in return.
In 2013, journalist and spokeswoman for the feminist movement, Jay Dixon, published an article entitled “6 Reasons Why Friend Zone Should Die”. The main reason is that recognition of the friend zone gives rise to pickup directions that teach men how to manipulate women. At the same time, the woman is described in a negative way, and the man is “set” on her, emphasizing the humiliating nature of being in the friend zone. The main way out is to be a bad boy, because only good, comfortable men get into the friendzone.
In my opinion, the term “friend zone” has no gender differences, and pickup is a dubious teaching. Especially true mercantile girls are found, but these are character traits. And also there are girls who like bad, rough treatment, but they are attracted to such a model at a subconscious level, as a result of dysfunctional conditions of development, destructive education. With such features of thinking, one can get out of a friend zone only into dependent relationships.
Typical Friend Zone Signs
Initially, you need to calm down and rationally weigh your own gamut of feelings. Are you really sure you want to change the communication format? If you are driven by sexual unrealization, then you should not risk friendship for the sake of a single intimacy. If the guy realizes that he is in love, then it is important not to rush things by developing a clear plan of action. Get rid of negative thoughts and do not project negative outcomes of events - the result directly depends on the scale of the effort. Do not exclude the possibility of mutual sympathy, which the chosen one carefully hides. To determine the format of communication between you, check out the typical signs of a friend zone:
Listen to the girl - in a conversation she involuntarily characterizes you as a component of her life. If she compares you with her brother or constantly talks about the advantages of friendship with a guy, then it is obvious - a woman does not consider the option of a love relationship with you.
Analyze your communication. If a girl asks you to buy tampons or other intimate accessories, then there is no need to talk about nascent sympathy. She trusts you as a friend, so she can ask for a similar format.
Provoke the girl to show true emotions hidden in the subconscious. Ask her if she has free friends with whom you would love to meet. If a woman finds a million reasons not to drive you with friends, then you are on the right track.
Pay attention to the reaction of the girl when you accidentally touch her, reducing the distance between you. If she immediately removes herself from her arms or takes her hand away, then a lot of effort will have to be made to “conquer” the chosen one.
Realizing the fact that the chosen one has identified you in the friend zone, you do not need to immediately proceed to offensive actions or despair. Try to find advantages in the current situation. You have the opportunity to get to know the girl closer, being nearby as a friend. You can spend time with your loved one, enjoying joint walks and going to the cinema. You have a chance to become an integral part of a woman’s life.
Useful recommendations: get out of the friend zone
Having decided on the positive aspects of the friend zone, it is important to do introspection. Rationally evaluate your strengths, after answering the main questions: Are you ready to risk friendship for the sake of possible love relationships? Do you match the type of your chosen one? Can you compete with her real boyfriends? How can you interest a girl? It is possible that after an unsuccessful attempt to achieve a woman’s disposition, you will cease to communicate with her, therefore objectively weigh your potential. To get out of a friend’s zone, don’t look for information about what girls in boys like - follow these recommendations and get your chosen one's location:
Change, appearing in front of a woman in a new look, which combines personal qualities highly appreciated by your chosen one. During your friendship, you already managed to find out the girl’s preferences, so you can construct a collective image, embodying the most popular characteristics of the former boyfriend’s beloved.
Become a real man, demonstrating your own self-sufficiency. It is important for girls to feel protected, feeling the strength and confidence of the guy. If you show the chosen one that you can rely on you not only as a friend, then at a subconscious level she will certainly ask a question about the prospect of creating a love union with you.
Do not narrow your range of interests on the needs of women, abandoning planned events, wanting to please a friend. She should understand that in addition to her, there are other people in your life with whom you want to spend free time.
Rationally weigh your shortcomings and advantages, adjusting the personality image in accordance with the preferences of the chosen one. It is important in reality to develop new qualities in yourself and get rid of bad habits, and not to pretend that you managed to change. Over time, the girl will definitely feel played up, disappointed in you.
Be close to your chosen one when she is in a depressed mood. Moral support helps reduce the physical distance between people - grab it, pat it on the head, and gently squeeze your shoulder.
Learn to speak beautifully to become an interesting conversationalist. Get women into stories and feel free to advise. Use literary devices that transform speech - epithets and metaphors, comparisons and personifications. In the process of dialogue, the girl should be aware that she is communicating with an intellectually developed guy who is not deprived of a sense of humor.
Allow yourself more than before - gradually step over the prohibitions by accidentally touching the chosen one. Give compliments and remotely hint at the sympathy that has appeared. Women are distinguished by increased insight, so the beloved will surely guess your intentions.
Guided by the above tips, you will be able to identify the girl’s intentions in a short period of time. If she likes the ongoing changes in the usual format of communication between you, then do not stop - go on to offensive actions. If a woman is perplexed by the current situation, where you openly flirt and show signs of attention, then slow down the “momentum” by changing your chosen tactics. If the girl does not consider the possibility of mutual sympathy, then stop, because you run the risk of losing contact with a loved one. So, in life there will still be a chosen one who will charm you.
Key success factors are masculinity, self-reliance and self-sufficiency. The main thing is to change the established stereotypes of the girl, introducing herself from a new angle. She knows you only as a friend, so the signs of a gallant gentleman and a brutal male, harmoniously combined in your image, will become pleasant surprises for her. Do not forget to adjust these recommendations in accordance with the preferences and tastes of women, because you know her better than other representatives of the strong half of humanity.
Friendship between a man and a woman is possible. Relationships that hurt one of the participants turn into a problem. If for someone the role of a friend is small, humiliating, then you need to stop this format of relations. There are two options: to say directly about your feelings, to appear in a different light in front of a "friend" or to part completely, not to waste time and effort, not to allow yourself to be used. Men and women are equally inclined to put someone on the role of a “reserve player”. At the same time, someone does not hide commercialism, but someone sincerely makes friends, values a person as a person, but does not notice his feelings and torment.