Useful Tips

How to keep calm during a quarrel


The ability to overcome fear, confusion, calmly assess the situation and make the right decision, as well as avoid quarrels, scandals can provide a very good service.

Try not to dramatize the situation where it is not necessary. Some people, especially emotional, impressionable ones, are prone to excessive dramatization. In the most severe cases, they are capable of raising any trifle to the rank of almost universal tragedy. This harms both them and others, because communicating with such a vulnerable and emotional person is not an easy test.

Master the technique of auto-suggestion, convince yourself that the problem is not at all as serious (especially dangerous) as you think. It is not worth it that you get nervous yourself and make others nervous. Try to avoid an immediate reaction to unpleasant news or to someone’s offensive words. First, take a few deep breaths, mentally count to ten (even better - to twenty). This extremely simple method will help you keep calm, resist a flash of anger or resentment.

Do not rush to immediately devote others to your problems, share your fears on blogs, on pages of social networks. Friends and well-wishers, most likely, will only aggravate your condition with their sympathies (often excessive), and random interlocutors, and simply not too smart people, can make you laugh. This clearly will not add to your peace.

What is meant by assertiveness?

The English word "assert" means - to assert. The psychological concept of “assertiveness” came from this word - such an internal state in which a person has his own independent opinion, but at the same time he is independent of external pressure, of external evaluations. There are three scales for responding to conflict, negative events: aggressiveness - assertiveness - passivity. Moreover, assertiveness is in the middle, as the most correct and calm state.

Faced with a negative, a person most often has two main reactions: aggressiveness - responding with swearing at swearing, anger at spite, as a result - conflict, spoiled mood, frayed nerves, bad relationships, in extreme cases there are worse consequences. The second response option: passivity - when a person runs away from a dangerous conflict. This can be expressed in passive silence, inaction, leaving the room where the conflict erupts, avoiding negative situations or a person negative for you. This option is not aggressive, but it brings spiritual devastation, dissatisfaction with oneself, humiliation.

But there is a third option for responding to negativity - assertiveness. Various sages of antiquity have always adhered to this particular “golden mean,” the most correct way to respond to conflict situations.

Assertive state - This is an autonomous state, the ability to have one’s own opinion, and not aggressive, in need of upholding, like a fighting cock, but a calm, analytical assessment of current events or people. Being in an assertive state, it is difficult to exert pressure on a person, they are difficult to manipulate. Such a person is internally, psychologically stable, he is independent of other people's assessments, of extraneous opinions, of the standard framework.

Assertiveness is somewhat aloof - it allows you to look at the negative situation from the side, and it’s not indifferent or cold, but as if you are looking at the stage from the theater hall, but at the same time you are not just a spectator, but an arbiter who must give his opinion on the situation situation, your decision, give an internal assessment of what is happening. But it is important not to impose an internal assessment of what is happening on others, not to dictate one’s will and not to prove one’s opinion as the only correct one.

1. Take deep breaths

Why: the ability to stay calm and focused during a conflict depends on your ability to relax your body. Superficial and shallow breathing is a natural reaction of the body to stress, so to get rid of it, practice deep breathing, which immediately includes common sense.

How: Inhale deeply through the nose and exhale slowly through the mouth. Such breathing will stop the production of two stress hormones - adrenaline and cortisol.

2. Focus on your body

Why: focusing on any physical sensations that arise during a conflict will allow you to consciously change them. When your attention switches to the body, you can clearly feel the tension, shallow breathing and other signs that accompany stress.

How: when you notice that your body begins to strain, try to return to a neutral state by relaxing your shoulders and arms. This open position demonstrates positivity - and often extinguishes conflict.

Assertive personality traits

It’s important to work out assertive skill:

- quickly understand the negative situation,

- develop their own position regarding it and all participants - why it arose, who the instigator is, what are the true and external causes of its occurrence, what could be the consequences and what can be done in such a situation,

- do not violate other people's psychological boundaries - do not attack, do not insult, do not scold,

- be able to protect their own psychological boundaries - to maintain calm and balance, not to perceive insults at one’s own expense, not to be offended, not to let someone else’s malice deep into their souls.

Confucius said: "No one can be humiliated until he feels humiliated". Russian folk wisdom says: "They take water to the offended". This is the stereotypical thinking of the last century - that one must respond with an insult to an insult, a blow to the blow, and that if you do not answer, then you are a coward, and you should not be allowed to wipe your feet against yourself, etc. Self-esteem does not consist in an aggressive retaliatory strike, but in a calm, wise and balanced reaction to any negative. In monkeys in the herd, the true leader is not the one who behaves the most defiantly and screams and lifts up most of all, but the one who sits a little at a distance, somewhat detached, he is the most calm, and it is he who decides all conflicts.


"When they throw a stick, the lion looks at the one who threw the stick, and the dog looks at the stick itself. There is a huge difference between them." So is assertiveness - understanding a conflict, look at who and why threw the stick and react correctly to it. Assertiveness can help in the following areas:

- resolution of any conflict situations, both in the work environment and in the home or home,

- sort out your internal disagreements,

- learn to perform a variety of, even unpleasant work, overcome time pressure - without stress and panic,

- increase your professionalism at work,

- the ability to establish and maintain relationships with different customers,

- do not lose an aggressive client,

- develop self-esteem.

Let's consider some practical examples of assertiveness. It should be borne in mind that people are often vengeful, even in small things. Sometimes this manifests itself at a very deep subconscious level. How can this be overcome? A paradoxical response: positive to negative. For example, in the office you have to go up to an employee and, showing him a poorly done job, ask him to redo it. The employee response may be:

1) aggressive - indignation "I did everything well," "they find fault with me," "remodel yourself,"

2) passive - dismissive throwing a folder on the table, “okay, I'll do it later”, silent silence.

In any case, you will hear unflattering remarks: if you are peers and colleagues, then right in the face, if you are a leader, then behind your back. It’s rare that someone will show the right reaction and calmly ask: “What exactly needs to be redone? What mistakes have I made?” and then he will say, “Okay, I’ll redo it.”

What can you do by being assertive? First, understand why this employee performed the job so poorly: tired, sick, something is wrong with him at home, incompetent, tired of his work, time for vacation, etc. Your reaction also depends on what kind of answer you get. But in any case, you can show something positive and unexpected. For example: “I understand that you’re tired of everything and you’re tired, I also have this mood, but it’s better if we try and redo the work”, warmly thank the employee “thank you, you know that I like“ horror movies ” , and your report was from this series, "etc. Unexpected, and even with a sense of humor, the answer can neutralize revenge. Involvement in joint work, in joint discussion can also help: “let's see together how to fix this situation,” “first we all calm down, have a cup of coffee, and then think about what we can do,” etc.

In any case, it is important to exercise calm, understanding and tolerance. Especially, this applies to particularly aggressive situations in which emotions rage over the edge and the arguments of the mind are powerless until a person calms down. By assertiveness there are trainings, various techniques that can be learned. But the most important thing is the internal position, thought out and worked out, which will allow maintaining balance in any life situation and not destroying the psychological boundaries of other people.

Keep calm in stressful situations

Anything can infuriate: like serious problems, and even the most insignificant little things. There is nothing wrong with giving vent to emotions, but in some cases it is still better to abstain and calm down. Especially if the emotions are negative.

There are some simple ways to help you quickly pull yourself together and calm down.

1. Sit down, relax, restore your breath. Close your eyes and for 30 seconds imagine cool white water, which, like a waterfall, falls on the top of the head and slowly runs from head to toe. Then imagine how all the water slowly drains to the floor in a funnel. Imagine everything in detail. Then take a deep breath and open your eyes.

2. Wet your hands with cool water and touch your neck (first with one hand, then with two). Gently, in a circular motion, for 30 seconds, rub the neck and shoulders, gradually increasing the force of pressing the fingers. Then, within 30 seconds, reduce the pressing force to a light touch. Then rinse your neck with cool water.

3. Take a thick cloth towel. Squeeze it well in your hands and twist it with all your might, as if squeezing it. Grit your teeth, tighten your eyes shut and tighten all the muscles of the body (especially in the neck and arms). After 25-30 seconds, sharply drop the towel on the floor and relax the muscles.

Using these simple exercises, you can quickly recover and calm down before an important event, and after an unpleasant quarrel. Most importantly, remember that in the world there are very few things that really are worth the nerves you have spent.

How to learn to control emotions

Avoid the things that bother you and make you nervous. Follow you. In what situation, under what circumstances do you most quickly lose your temper, are able to come into conflict? It can be anything: the time of day, the degree of workload on official and household chores, hunger, headache, annoying noise, uncomfortable tight shoes, talking with unpleasant people, etc. Eliminate these factors, or at least try to minimize them. Conversely, make every possible use of what calms you down, brings you to a peaceful state, whether it is quiet minor music, reading your favorite books or an aromatic bath.

Be in the fresh air more often, try to keep a measured and ordered routine of the day. Even with heavy workload, it is very important to pay attention to proper rest and sleep. Since the cause of increased nervousness and conflict is often elementary physical and nervous overwork.

3. Listen carefully

Why: a person will initiate a dispute or some other conflict if he believes that he is not heard. In addition, it is impossible to extinguish a conflict without careful and active listening.

How: Focus all your attention on what the person is saying. Ignore any thoughts about interrupting it with your remarks. As soon as the person finishes his speech, you will already have the necessary information for a reasonable answer.

4. Ask open-ended questions.

Why: open-ended questions are vital for conflict resolution. First, they show that you are listening carefully. Secondly, these types of questions show respect for the person, allowing him to formulate his thoughts.

How: Learning to ask open-ended questions can be a bit complicated. The main thing is not to ask simple questions, implying short answers “yes” or “no”. Instead, use constructs starting with the question words “what,” “why,” “why,” “when,” “where,” and “how.”

6. We agree that we do not agree

Why: not every conflict ends in mutually acceptable results. However, you can avoid aggravating the situation by politely self-withdrawing from the conversation.

How: the law of interpersonal conflict is that it has two participants. It is necessary to settle oneself out of the conflict under one of two circumstances: (1) the person becomes more and more hostile or (2) the conversation, despite all your efforts, has reached an impasse.

Unless you are a self-awareness guru, at some point during the conflict you can really get angry. Humans are emotional creatures, and this ability to feel can be used both to our advantage and to the detriment. Following at least one or two of the six tips above, you will undoubtedly feel more confident in any conflict situation. By doing so, you will gain the trust and respect of people for their calm and balanced character.

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