Humans are social beings. We strive to experience a sense of belonging and community. It is important for us to have a support network of friends and relatives with whom you can talk about problems in difficult times. But it is also equally important to maintain our independent thoughts, interests and sense of individuality.
Let's say you like Hawaiian pizza, and your friend prefers vegetarian. You have different opinions, but this does not mean that someone is wrong. If you attach too much importance to what others think about your choice, it will confuse and confuse you. You can never please all people from all sides. The sooner you accept yourself as you are, the sooner you lose your mask and stop worrying about what others think. Here are seven tips to help me hear my inner voice, become myself, and drop other people's ratings.
1. Make a list of ten of your core values
Sometimes someone else's opinion is confusing or convincing because we ourselves are not confident in our beliefs, principles, and life values. Take the time to figure out what inspires and inspires you and why these factors are so important to you. Perhaps your main value is freedom, while others value stability and predictability. The main thing is not to condemn yourself for other values, you have the right to uphold ideals, like any other person.
2. Record your unique qualities
Build self-confidence by celebrating your most interesting qualities. Perhaps you are embarrassed by some hobbies or aspirations, drop it. Better think about how these qualities give you uniqueness. When you realize the value of the components of your personality, you will cease to worry too much about the opinions of others. Be brave and follow what makes you happy. Everything else will fall into place.
3. Say what you think
When talking with friends or colleagues, stand your ground when it comes to values or beliefs that are important to you. When arguing with you, it’s easy to give in to temptation and give in. Do not do this. Say what you believe in. Over time, you will notice that a divergence of views makes the conversation more interesting. Discussing different opinions does not necessarily translate into conflict or make people dislike you. When you remain true to yourself, in the face of other opinions, you gain confidence in yourself and your beliefs. Feel free to be yourself and do not apologize for this, and then others will begin to appreciate your personality.
4. Live in the present
Keep mindful in everyday life. Often in different situations we spend time worrying about what others think and completely miss the point. As a result, we find ourselves distracted or disinterested. If you find yourself floating in a negative direction during a conversation, try to gently bring yourself back to the moment. To do this, focus on breathing and sensory sensations around you: what do you hear, what smells do you feel? When you start living more consciously, worries about the opinions of others will dissipate, and you will be able to perceive what is happening in a more positive light.
5. Find inspirational role models
It's hard to ignore gossip behind your back when you feel lonely. Perhaps you want to become an artist, a blogger, or a traveler around the world. Whatever path you choose, try to find people who have already passed it. So you will feel more confident and positive, following your goal. The people around you may not understand your aspirations, but there is probably a person in the world who already lives the life of your dreams. Instead of envying such people, use their stories as fuel. Explore the lives of inspiring people through their biographies, articles, or social media pages to remind themselves that your dreams are realizable.
6. Be skeptical
It is not by chance that people repeat this expression so often. If you take other people's opinions too close to your heart, you will get bogged down among thousands of different ideas about how to live. There are too many lifestyles, ideologies, and points of view in the world. Of course, it is important to remain open to new ideas and other points of view, but also at times you need to disconnect from all this. Remember that people speak and act based solely on their experience and understanding. Each of us has its own unique path.
7. Take care of your life
Social networks are constantly tempting us to “peep into the neighbor’s yard”. We tirelessly compete with each other, as in the movie "The Jones Family." For many people, social networks have become a source of endless anxiety and social pressure. Of course, sometimes flipping through Instagram is fun, but try to treat him calmly. Remember that people post only the brightest and most positive moments of their lives. Write about what ignites you, and do not focus on comparing yourself to others. If you are sincere and genuine, over time a “tribe” of those who love you just like that will form around you
Description of the technique
So it is. Imagine a standard scenario for the appearance of anxiety due to the opinions of others. In a conversation with that pretty girl, you wrinkled and worried, not interested in her with fascinating conversations and clever reasoning. And now worried that she might think that you are a bore, and you have an idea only about banal things.
What does most people begin to do in such a situation? To act intuitively, which in fact does not lead to any result. They meticulously sort through all the events and dialogues in their heads, trying to remember those moments when they found themselves in a favorable light in front of others: “Maybe not everything is so bad, and I managed to seem smart and educated?” But this tactic was a failure initially. All these endless disputes with oneself, attempts at complacency only increase anxiety. And in order to get rid of it, you must do something directly opposite to this.
So, take at least five minutes of free time. Try it now. Put your thoughts in order. You can take a few full and slow breaths. Or a couple of minutes to meditate.
And after that, to do what you least want to do: imagine in your mind that the person whose opinions you are worried about has already thought about you the worst. Moreover, imagine it as if it really happened.
"She already decided that I was a complete dumbass," "They all realized that I was absolutely not an interesting and boring interlocutor." It is important here not to spare yourself, take it to the extreme: "These people now think that I'm just a complete idiot."
Here you must have read and horrified. Many of you have decided that this is the worst advice you can give a person in such a situation. And so self-esteem "is lame", and we achieve it even further, trampling deep into the mud. But no, friends, do not rush to close the article, now I will explain why and how it works.
Please exert a little attention and follow the train of thought. The information will be a little “revealing”, but I do not want to lose you.
The swan song of our conceit
Where does this plaintive song of resentful conceit come from? The superficial observer will say: “This concern appears when our expectations about how we should look in the view of other people (what Freud calls the Super-Self, the representations of the“ ideal self ”) are not true.”
I will answer the following superficial observer: “Well, I see that you are very smart, but did not take into account one simple thing: this concern appears if our expectations about what we should be do not correspond to our ideas about the opinions of other people. And this opinion is again based on their personal subjective ideas about us. ”
Everyone understands well that other people's thoughts about us do not always correspond to reality. But our idea of their opinion also does not correspond to what they really think. And their idea of us, in turn, is also not true!
Probably already confused. But now I will explain.
It turns out that the concern about the opinions of others is a mismatch of one illusion (the Super-Self, the illusion of the “idealized self” to the image in the society we are trying to create) of another illusion, which is based on another illusion! And in short, friends, what the hell! Illusion on illusion and illusion drives!
We imagined for ourselves how we should look in the eyes of other people and are upset when we think that others refuse to believe in our personal fantasies!
Moreover, this accumulation of illusions gives rise to a very real concern, because of which people choose professions that they don’t like, communicate with people they don’t like, live a life that they don’t like! The scale of this disaster is colossal. And all because of some kind of illusion, moreover, an illusion in a cube!
The exercise I taught you is not meant to drown you in a whirlpool of self-criticism. His task is to destroy in one fell swoop this house of cards of concern that you have erected in your mind. It is like cold water that spills over your head and makes you wake up. I called this technique “lightning” because it, like an instant bright flash, dispels the darkness of illusion, like a lightning discharge strikes into the very heart of your anxiety.
All these wonderful tips about how to be yourself, that the opinions of other people about you are concentrated only in their head and are only their personal business, cease to be some kind of theory for you. They become pure experience, a direct experience of the heart, not the mind!
And how does it work?
One of my greatest discoveries in the field of combating fears and anxieties is the fact that, as a rule, we are afraid of a certain probabilistic event that could or might not occur. Typically, such experiences begin with the words: “What if?” But when we perceive the event as something that already happened with 100% probability, it makes us sober. Because our consciousness passes from the mode of fantasizing about a non-existent phenomenon (or existing only potentially) to the mode of constructive planning of actions about what happened in fact. “This has already happened, what will I do with it?” This, you see, sets up a constructive mood.
And when you reluctantly decided that some people had already thought the worst of you, you begin to think of it as an accomplished phenomenon: "What next?"
You notice that it was only cold to accept this fact, how everything appeared in a completely different light! You observe that your reaction to this bitter thought was not as terrible as you had imagined at first. “Well, they thought and thought, so what next?” - you reason more calmly.
The fear and anxiety that you experienced just a couple of minutes ago may seem ridiculous from the height of that exaggerated extreme that you consciously created in your mind. You didn’t feel sorry for yourself, trying to soften the tones, but immediately chopped off immediately: "Yes, she 100% decided that I was just a complete moron." This technique immediately shows that others think about you is not at all the same as what you think about yourself ("Well, of course I do not consider myself a complete moron").
(A painful dependence on someone else’s opinion comes from the fact that we begin to identify the opinion of us with what we are for ourselves. We, as Nietzsche used to say, are trying to convince people that we are good, smart, noble, so that then believe in this opinion ourselves! Therefore, when others think badly of us, it may seem to us that we are really bad. The trick I described above helps us to sharply distinguish these two things. It is like a hammer that breaks an illusory identity .)
Moreover, this approach helps to immediately see the obvious limited subjectivity of someone else's assessment of your person. Let's say you assume that someone could think the most terrible things about you, for example, that you are the lowest and meanest person in the world and deserve the fiery Gehenna. But you understand: no matter how terrible the thoughts of others are about you, these are just thoughts of others, the fantasies of others. Yes, that’s clear. But thanks to this exercise, you understand this at a deep, emotional level, at a level that allows you to make this truth your experience and practice.
Yes, someone thought terrible things about you.
So what? Really, so what? You never know what people think about you! You won’t please everyone! That's right, you will not please everyone. But only now your mind is ready to absorb this truth and dissolve in yourself like a sponge.
Self-esteem is nonsense
Much more important questions for me are “how to become better” and “how to learn to accept yourself.” Each of us is a person with a set of advantages and disadvantages. We can remove some shortcomings, and develop some advantages. With other qualities, alas, we can not do anything, it remains to accept. What does it have to do with how we value ourselves? We are what we are. And a person who does not know how to accept himself must learn this, that’s all. His self-esteem has nothing to do with it.
Self-esteem can be the lever that other people click on to control you through criticism or flattery. It can become that thorn that causes burning shame and nervous anxiety about the opinions of others.
The exercise in this article teaches you to accept yourself. Why? Because mentally you have already committed the worst that a person could think of you. Therefore, you can easily accept something not so terrible, but more realistic. "That person thought of me that I was very boring." Either this is true, or not true, or both mixed up. Most often it is both. “Yes, of course, I'm not the most boring person. There are people who are not bored with me. But I must admit that I don’t have the ability to communicate on topics that are not interesting to me. ” So what? Is the tragedy great? I think people in their lives face much greater problems than understanding their inability to participate in small talk.
Self-criticism and self-praise deprive you of the possibility of any maneuver. You either focus on gnawing yourself, or revel in your brilliance in society. I don’t want to do anything. But adoption opens up scope for action, oddly enough. Let's say you accepted the idea that you are not the most brilliant conversationalist. What's next? Further, you can either develop communication skills if they are important to you, or score on them if they are not important. What is the use of worrying.
Often, in the pursuit of other people's recognition, we forget what is really important to us. We can stubbornly seek respect and friendship of those people who do not play and are not able to play any role in our lives. Why are we doing this? Sometimes for the notorious bloat of self-esteem. Sometimes striving for universal admiration for us becomes something like a contest, victories in which should remind us of our dignity and brilliance. And sometimes we just do it by inertia: since we began to seek someone's friendship, we continue to do it, despite all the failures.
But in the end, if we achieve this, we stop appreciating it, although sudden setbacks on the social front, acts of someone else’s disapproving attitude can still demoralize us greatly.We cease to cherish the love and respect of those people who value us as we are, whose location we do not need to achieve by all means: our close friends, relatives, while desperately striving for a benevolent assessment of some random colleagues at work.
This magical exercise allows you to stop and ask yourself: “Hey, wait, is this opinion really so important to me?”
But what if it turned out to be really important? A person who is very important to you does not reciprocate your affection for him, your claims of friendship with him? If it really upsets you, then this is absolutely normal. We are people and tend to get upset about such things. Accept this pain with all your heart with gratitude, because it will make you stronger. Do not try to deny it and drive away from yourself. Let her be. Carry it for a while if you have to. But not mournfully dropping his head, but solemnly and proudly - as a banner, as a noble insignia. And then it will pass. After all, everything passes. People who will painfully disappoint you will undoubtedly be, you will not get anywhere from this. But let such people be as few as possible in your life.