This happens automatically: new relationships almost always break out according to the finished old pattern. Someone who is used to and communicates with the opposite sex - without even thinking about the consequences. And only when the unwanted development of the plot begins to be repeated with alarming frequency, does the doubt arise about the correctness of the patterns.
“A woman attracts those men who will play her“ game ”. And what rules of the game will be in the next marriage - it depends on it by 50%, ”Marina Mikheenko, family psychologist at the Anima Clinic warns. It is important to see your own share of mistakes, to realize it and leave behind the threshold of new relationships.
The psychologist of the center, Inna Gerasimova Valery Latotsky, notes that it’s not natural for a person to see errors that are key, but those that are convenient for him. “The girl can be sure: the marriage broke up because she was not beautiful enough. And after a divorce, she throws all her strength into improving her appearance. Errors that really caused the gap are suppressed and go unnoticed by her, ”the psychologist describes.
Specialists highlighted the most popular mistakes, the awareness of which can prevent the "groundhog day" in a new family life.
Mistake # 1: Abrupt Start
Just as after a battle a period of calm and bandaging of the wounded necessarily ensues, so after any divorce a stage of therapeutic loneliness is necessary.
“In order to restore mental strength, it takes a lot of time. A healthy difference between the first and second marriage is 5 years, - Marina Mikheenko clarifies. -
This period is needed to heal the wounds, to realize the causes of the problematic nature of previous relationships, to find the resource state in self-realization. But it happens that a woman, like a baton, moves from a ruined family to a new relationship without going through the necessary stage of loneliness. ”
And then she begins to weave patterns of behavior from past relationships into the canvas of new relationships. The psychologist notes: in 80% of hasty repeated marriages, the man turns out to be a copy of the previous spouse, since the period of "lull" for understanding and analyzing the situation did not take place.
“As a result, a woman unconsciously chooses similar partners. One drank, beat - tired. Gone. She got married - after some time she noticed: the new one also drinks and beats. And so it can go on ad infinitum, ”Elena Torchevskaya, a psychologist and sexologist, illustrates.
According to the observation of psychologist-consultant Asya Nikonishchenko, the duration of the interval between marriages may depend on how happy and loved the partners are in the new relationship: “If people get what they received in the previous relationship, then the interval is reduced.”
Mistake # 2: Fear of Break
When divorce becomes a shock for a woman, she can bring fear of a similar ending to her new family. “This fear gives rise to neuroticism,” says Elena Torchevskaya. - The wife begins to be jealous, suspicious of the statements and actions of her husband, to curry favor with him, catering to his needs and completely forgetting about her own. He’s even thinking of getting pregnant in order to keep him. ”
Fear covers a woman whenever a man does something different from what she wants. “Emotional outbursts, throws here and there confuse the man,” adds Valery Latotsky. “An increased emotional background fuels conflict situations.”
Mistake # 3: Filling a Void
You can marry and purely formally: either to fill a spiritual void, or to solve material problems. “As a rule, women who are already disappointed in love and in men do this - they are afraid to establish trusting relationships and are suitable for marriage in terms of functionality,” says Marina Mikheenko. But over time, it becomes clear: a formal approach only increases mental emptiness and accumulates internal aggression, which sooner or later begins to splash out on others or flow into psychosomatic diseases.
When a woman gets married, she must understand that she doesn’t take a food processor as her husband, but a person with whom she needs to have emotional contact and a warm relationship.
Mistake # 4: Domination
In modern marriages, wives are often leading. However, an intelligent woman does it competently, according to the principle: husband is a motor, wife is a driver. “If the driver is correct - it merges with the car, and everything happens so that the“ motor ”does not even realize that it is being driven: he is completely sure that he decides which way to go. And there are drivers who kick the “car” on wheels and are outraged that it is not good enough, ”explains Valery Latotsky.
The demand to obey is always a desire to resist. If in the first marriage a woman suppressed a man, then in the second marriage she will try to do it. Which will inevitably lead to protest.
Mistake # 5: The Child Is Always Right
In almost every re-marriage, children from the first appear. And far from always the theme of children is revealed smoothly. Mainly for the reason that women prefer to put the child in the forefront in the new relationship.
“There are such cases: if the child did not like the future partner, then the relationship does not even begin,”
tells Marina Mikheenko. The psychologist advises to have patience and desire to understand this child-parent triangle, learn to talk with both sides, so that the situation does not turn into rivalry.
The success of remarriage depends equally on both. But the main condition is the complete and unconditional completeness of the previous relationship for everyone. Nevertheless, you still have to meet with the past. “If there are children, the presence of the past spouse is inevitable. This fact must be accepted. There is nothing bad or painful in that a man takes care of a child from his first marriage, respects his ex-wife and helps her financially, ”says Asya Nikonishchenko.
If there are no children, then communication with the previous partner looks doubtful and signals that there are some unresolved moments between the former spouses. “This should not be, especially if it annoys a new partner,” Asya Nikonishchenko is sure.
What makes you live together?
The emotional attachment to a partner is so strong that a person is simply not able to let go of his wife (husband). Sometimes it is unbearable for a spouse to even imagine her, albeit former partner, with another person. In such a union, we are already talking about the unhealthy psyche of one of the couple.
And in this case, getting divorced is much more difficult, often the dominant partner uses all the levers that can keep the wife or husband. Such an unhealthy marriage will eventually decay, and the sooner you part with that kind of owner, the better. You will preserve the health of yourself and your children, because constant nit-picking, jealousy, scandals do not lead to anything good. Children in such a marriage feel guilty, misunderstanding, loneliness, parents are not up to the children because of the showdown.
If we talk about a completely normal relationship, where the partners lost their feelings, but still do not decide to part, then this most likely comes from some inertia and even laziness. It is far from easy to change your life. Have to go to the apartment if you do not have your own home. Not everyone wants to move to their parents, especially with their children, and parents are not always happy about this turn of events.
Maybe one of the spouses depends financially on the other, more often these are women. Too many of the women endure the tyrant of her husband for the sake of finance. At the same time, the children and the woman herself suffer, her self-esteem falls catastrophically, because the husband does not neglect the opportunity to reproach his wife that he provides her and she “costs nothing” without him. In addition, children, seeing such an attitude to the mother, can also treat her with some contempt. As a result, the family turns into a quarrelsome tangled knot, where they do not know what mutual respect is. Photo: Depositphotos
And all the same, when it comes to extremes, marriage, no matter how it is held, is spreading at the seams. Men most often go to a new passion, thereby avoiding problems. And women who have been trying to keep the marriage for years are left alone with their problems in a depressed state, and possibly without work.
Often, a tyrant husband makes his wife quit work in order to completely devote time to him. A woman, pleasing her husband, pays for losing her professional skills. Finding a decent job without experience is almost impossible today.
Therefore, it is worth a few "rewind the tape" in order to start with the fact that you should not bring the marriage to extreme situations. And even more so, letting you humiliate yourself. This applies to both men and women. According to statistics, women more often become hostages of complex relationships in the family. Therefore, it is precisely women living in a painful marriage that just need to understand that there will be no other life, there is one, it is better to live it happily or, at least, without quarrels, fights and humiliations. Photo: Depositphotos
A fanatical desire to keep her husband, to maintain a precarious relationship in marriage will not lead to anything, you will still part. But by that time you might be well over 40, the children will grow up and live their own lives, and it is you who bears the responsibility for how they develop! After all, what they absorb in the family, they will give to their children.
That's why, no matter how difficult it may be, if you feel that your spouse does not show due respect to you, can insult, humiliate, hit or has a relationship, alcohol problems and your comments he doesn’t respond to, finish these relations.
If you are financially dependent, think over a plan of "retreat" in advance. There is a specialty - it’s already good, get a job, no - take courses, for example, visage, manicure, seamstresses, confectioners. In simple terms, acquire a simple, but demanded and “bread” profession, which will give you the opportunity to feed yourself and your children.
Perhaps at first you will earn little, do not despair, the process will go on, you will “beat your hand” in your profession, you will be able to work faster and better, you will have new clients, and the price for work can be raised. Solve for yourself the problem of a failed marriage once and for all, do not let your husband manipulate himself. If he threatens to take away the children, which often happens, do not panic. Only the court decides who the child will be with. File for divorce and alimony. Photo: Depositphotos
By the time the divorce process begins, you should be employed, have your own housing (it can be rented), so that the court decides in your favor. If the child is small, there is no one to leave him with, you can try to get a nanny in the kindergarten - so you will receive a small, but still a salary, and the child will be attached.
The husband can make occasional scandals, often even while intoxicated, in this case write a statement to the police, do not let yourself be intimidated. Believe in yourself! At 40−45 years old you will say thank you to yourself, you will feel confident and happy. It will turn out to create a new family - it’s very good, it won’t work out - do not be discouraged, life is good in any manifestation, your children and grandchildren need you, give them your warmth and love. Believe me, she will come back to you a hundredfold!
The content of the article
The situation when a man married with a second marriage continues to love his ex-wife can cause bewilderment. If a man still loves that woman, it is difficult to understand why he divorced her and married another. If the love for the first wife has died, it is not clear why to remember her. However, in life this happens often enough to be worth considering.
Reasons for double love
Not always a man divorces his wife of his own free will. It often happens that husbands abandon their wives, but there is also the opposite situation when the wife initiates the divorce. The reasons may be different: a woman fell in love with another, she was not happy with her husband’s low salary. In some cases, the husband himself provokes the woman to divorce - for example, drunkenness, domestic dictatorship or "easy flirting" on the side. But even in the latter case, the husband may not lose attachment to his wife and may not want to part with her.
A man who finds himself in a divorced status not of his own free will, but at the request of his ex-wife, may well retain feelings for her. This can happen even if the man was not to blame for his wife, if she offended him - a feeling of wounded pride is far from always capable of overpowering love.
Finding himself in such a situation, a person may very well strive to find solace in a new marriage. It is unlikely that anything good will come of this: the principle of “knocking out a wedge with a wedge” cannot be applied to human relations. The feeling for the ex-wife will not go anywhere, and the new spouse, who is not guilty of anything in front of her husband, will suffer, feeling that the man lives with her without love.
Even if the sympathy for the first wife faded after the divorce, she may be reborn in a new marriage. The “trigger” may be an unexpected meeting with his ex-wife.
The human psyche has protective mechanisms, one of them is the ability of memory to block negative memories. If the case ended in divorce, it means that there were more unpleasant parties in the marriage than pleasant ones, but the memory will retain exactly the good, and the bad one will be “thrown away”. A few years after the divorce, a man will often remember not how his wife plagued him with scandals, but how good she was in bed, how well she cooked. This will force him to compare the ex-wife with the present, whose faults he observes "here and now" - and, of course, the comparison will not be in favor of the second wife. Such a development of events is especially likely if the previous marriage was happy and ended not with a divorce, but with the death of a wife.
A widowed or divorced man should remember that marriage is not a means of solving psychological problems. Creating a new family can only be sure that the past will not have a negative impact on nascent relationships.
What to say to her husband's ex-wife - recommendations
First, figure out what causes the ex-spouse to intervene in your life and, in particular, in the life of your husband. Often this happens because the woman feels lonely, cannot find a life partner and therefore wants to return the man to the family.
This is especially true in situations where the initiator of the gap is a man. The husband’s ex-wife at this moment thinks that after some time the husband will forget all the insults and misunderstandings, after which he decides to return.
And sometimes a woman is driven by a sense of revenge. She seeks to attract the attention of her ex-spouse, and then proudly reject him. Not the most beautiful act, but common.
You can talk to her in private. Explain to the woman calmly, without aggression. Tell us that now you and your spouse have their own life, in which strangers should not interfere. Do not show aggression and hostility even if a person is deeply unpleasant to you. Remember that at this moment a woman suffers, and therefore, acts in this way.
You can ask your husband to talk with your ex-wife. True, the spouse may not understand at all what the problem is, because men are less observant and are not inclined to look for hidden meaning in every act. Quietly give reasons for your innocence and ask to limit the presence of your ex-wife in your life.
You can also take the help of friends or relatives. They can also talk with her husband’s ex-wife and explain the essence of the situation to her.
What to do with her husband’s ex-wife if she is aggressive, threatens you, and blackmails? Write a statement to the police, and a woman will conduct an appropriate conversation.
If you have to be in the same company, just show your ex-wife that now the husband is passionate only about you. Dress beautifully, think over your behavior and go, for example, to a party where your companion's ex-wife will be present. All evening, look with your husband at each other's eyes in love, pay maximum attention to each other. Yes, it will hurt the ex-wife, but she will understand that she has no chance.
What to do if it seems that the husband wants an ex-wife
Sometimes men enter into a relationship, but retain in their souls memories of past feelings. Do you feel that this is exactly what is happening to your husband? What to do if it seems to you that the husband loves his ex-girlfriend and cannot forget her? We will deal with this issue right now.
To start, do not panic. Perhaps your imagination draws you something that actually does not and should not be. If you are jealous enough, you are likely to think up problems. It may turn out that the man does not remember his previous passion at all, although it seems to you that this is completely not so. What to do with the ex-wife of the husband in this case? Analyze the situation and it is quite possible that you should not worry at all.
If you still have doubts, just talk to your man. If it is customary for you to openly share your problems with each other, then most likely the trouble will be productive. You will find out whether the partner really loves his ex-wife, or whether it just seemed to you.
So, the doubts turned out to be not groundless, and it turned out that the beloved has no tender feelings for you ... What if the husband really loves his ex-wife? You can show that you yourself are far worse than her, and maybe even many times better than her husband’s ex-wife. Show your best qualities.
Get information from him about what exactly he likes about his ex-wife. Did she cook well? Go to study at master classes, become a real culinary specialist. More often cook your man’s favorite dishes, suggest that he spend time together.
Of great importance is sex. This is a powerful weapon that will help to tie any man to himself. Therefore, if necessary, master the techniques that allow men to get the most out of their intimacy. In a word, do everything so that your husband remembers your ex-wife less often. If desired, and with some effort, everything will surely work out.
Sometimes, after clarifying the relationship, it turns out that the husband has really strong feelings for his ex-wife. If this happened to you, do not worry. Release the man, and perhaps ... he will return to you again! The fact is that the reunion with the ex-wife may not be as wonderful as expected, and their relationship will turn into constant discussions of the reasons for the divorce, who is to blame, etc. Who knows, maybe your partner will understand that he was much better and easier with you.
And finally, we note that in any case, you do not need to hold a grudge against the ex-wife of your husband or your friend. The longer you accumulate negativity in your soul, the less likely it is that you can please your partner, because a sad and depressed, suspicious person is unattractive. Learn to forgive and believe that you will surely find your happiness!
How to stop being jealous of your ex-wife - psychologist's advice
Ghosts of a past life interfere with your family happiness? It seems to you that the husband cannot forget his ex-wife, and you are just a temporary replacement? Not sure what to do with your husband’s ex-wife? Let's talk about your ex-wife’s place in your husband’s life and see how serious this problem is.
The first thing you need to understand is if the man is with you at the moment, then it is you who are an important part of life for him. Often it is difficult for women to obtain words of love from representatives of the stronger sex, and one only has to guess about their intentions and feelings. Meanwhile, it is the presence of a person in your life that is the best confirmation that now he wants to be with you, and this is pure truth.
Talk with your spouse about it. Let him know that this question is bothering you, and you want to know the answer to it. Ask if the husband forgot his past relationship, would he agree to return to his ex-wife if she said that their family can be restored? Most likely, the answer to the last question will be negative. So, calm down and turn your attention to your family life, and not to past relationships.
Well, if in a previous marriage a man had no children. The situation is much more complicated in which the spouse is already a father and often sees his child. Naturally, a husband meets his mother just as often. And, of course, any woman in this case will be desperately jealous.
Understand that the husband does not go home to his ex-wife to see her, but to devote time to his child. There is no need to limit the number of such visits and put the husband before a choice: either a child or a new family. This will only lead to quarrels. Understand that a husband cannot do otherwise now. On the contrary, caring for children after a divorce characterizes it solely on the positive side.
If you don’t know what to do with your husband’s ex-wife, you can talk to her. It is possible that she will talk about the presence of a new man in her life, about the unwillingness to restore relations with her ex-spouse. You will calm down and will no longer be nervous about this.
You can read tips on thematic forums on the Internet, where people actively share their experiences in the field of personal relationships and about what they did with her husband’s ex-wife. Surely many had to face situations when former lovers were present in their lives. Be sure you get a lot of useful information.
Let the spouse's past life not poison your existence. Be happy and live in harmony with each other!